The Back-up Plan

One of the worst movies of 2010 is The Back-up Plan. This Jennifer Lopez vehicle packs in a bunch of no-name performers and some of the worst dialogue in recent memory to tell a tale that insults single mothers everywhere and generally carries on the rom-com necessity that today’s modern woman needs a man to define her and complete her.

The Back-up Plan continues the trend of condescending, idiotic female-oriented movies written by women. In this case, the writer is Kate Angelo. The flick feels and sounds like one of those moronic chick-lit “novels” crowding the shelves at trendy book shops and the opening credits are animated to look precisely like one of the covers of those idiotic screeds. As The Back-up Plan unfolds, all the insulting and sexist rhetoric streams through like a speech at the Republican National Convention.

J-Lo is Zoe, a trendy and stylish young woman who happens to own a trendy and stylish pet store. She has a trendy and stylish little disabled dog named Nuts and he provides the oh-so-funny reaction shots for the 110 minutes of this droning, dumb picture. Apparently Zoe can’t find the man of her dreams, so she decides on starting a family anyway and undergoes artificial insemination. On the day of her procedure, she meets Stan (Alex O’Loughlin).

Of course, Zoe and Stan are to be the couple of interest for The Back-up Plan and they go through all the complications you’d expect. There’s the idea of Zoe’s artificial insemination and her pregnancy. And there’s the money complications having kids brings about. And the insecurities of Zoe when it comes to whether Stan will stick around or not. And goat cheese. And dogs in wheelchairs. And old people getting married.

The Back-up Plan doesn’t have to work very hard to prove its central thesis: you can’t be a single mother and be normal. So much contempt is shown for independent women in this feature that it’s hard to stomach. Take a look at the support group for single mothers, for instance. Christ, it’s like The Shawshank Redemption in there. So many tattoos and butch-looking creepers without the good sense to have a man along for the ride. Thank goodness J-Lo’s Zoe landed Stan or else she’d end up like them.

Apparently glamour is another part of the big picture, as J-Lo’s character never neglects to strap on ridiculous heels to do just about anything. She’s somewhat like Amy Adams’ character in the awful Leap Year, as high heels must be worn to prove the gender of the character. Watching J-Lo trot around in high heels even as she basks in the comfort of her own home as a reasonably pregnant woman is, to say the least, a little insulting.

Then there’s O’Loughlin as the romantic lead. Who is this guy? Apparently this Aussie actor auditioned for the role of James Bond back in 2005 and starred in the CBS show Moonlight. In terms of movies, you may remember him from Whiteout. Or maybe not. In The Back-up Plan, he’s about as bland as humanly possible. Witness his magical use of his fist as he strikes a “golly gee willickers” pose when delivering big lines. Or marvel at his utter lack of emotion. The choice is yours.

And so it is that Lopez’s return to the big screen after four years is really, really bad. The Back-up Plan is terrible, reprehensible and offensive. It is also boring, unbelievably so, and struggles to pack one laugh in to its 110 minutes (that one laugh is when the wheelchair dog falls over, by the way). The best thing about this poor excuse for a movie is that I have yet another entry for my worst movies page.

Trailer: